Fundamentals of Family Life 3/26/00

Colossians 3:18-21

JESUS CHRIST was a living embodiment of love. His message was one of love.

As an example of a loving child, He grew up in Nazareth in a well-structured, Jewish family. He is described as growing in “wisdom and statue and in favor with God and man.” He was a responsible, functioning-member of a family unit. His relationship with Joseph, His earthly father, must have been rewarding in that He chose the term “Father” to teach of God the Father.

His love for His mother was manifested in respect and deep regard as seen by His efforts to provide for her even from the cross.

He loved little children and exhorted the disciples to go to all extremes to let them come to Him.

The family was the basic unit of the society in which He grew up. Today the family is still a basic unit of society. Because this basic unit is deteriorating so rapidly, our society is beginning to evidence it is coming unraveled around the edges.

The American family today is in a perilous state. For that reason I want to share practical insights regarding the ABC’s of Family Living with the prayer each member of every family will recognize their role and resolve to fulfill their responsibilities.

An indication of what is going on in homes today was revealed by an extensive study recently published entitled “Young Adolescents and Their Parents.” This nation-wide study involved 8,000 fifth to ninth graders. 97% of these were church families.

* Only 22% of the children said there was lots of love in their family. Affection from the father, verbal and physical, dropped 50% from the fifth to ninth grade.

* Over half of the children said they would like to talk with their parents more.

* 46% of ninth graders said God and the Bible were never discussed at home.

* Attitudes toward church became less favorable the higher the grade in school.

* Peer pressure was shown to grow with age, but it never exceeds parental influence.

America has marveled to see the precision of weapons in warfare known as “smart bombs.” Many of them are manufactured by Raytheon Corporation. Their company slogan is “Excellence begins with fundamentals.”

There are certain fundamentals that work in marriage family life.

Now consider these Fundamentals of Family Life.

I. STANDARD OF AUTHORITY

God intends that in everything there should be order. The only option to order is anarchy. That is the lifestyle for many families. There has been a complete breakdown in order within the family.

The emergence of the Christian ethic in the First Century brought a new concept of relationships which we seem to have forgotten. Under Greek, Roman, and Jewish law all OBLIGATIONS belonged to women and children. All PRIVILEGES belonged to the man. The Christian concept changed this to one of SHARED

RECIPROCAL OBLIGATIONS.

A. THE ADULT MALE, that is, the husband and/or father is to love his wife. The Greek word used is AGAPATE. It does not suggest romantic affection. It means caring love which deliberately concerns itself with the well-being of the wife.

This positive encouragement is followed with a negative warning, “Do not be bitter toward them.” This means don’t be harsh, irritable, surly, or cross with them. The ancient word “husband” actually meant “house-band.” He is God’s agent to help hold the family together.

He is also to avoid provoking his children and discouraging them. Literally, this means don’t embitter the child. It means don’t challenge the child to resist by unreasonable exercise of authority.

Firm discipline may sometimes be necessary, but it should always be administered with the right spirit. Don’t rouse them to resentment by constantly finding fault and nagging. Don’t cause them to become listless, moody, and sullen because they feel they can never please. Don’t cause them to lose heart.

This can be done by:

* Too many restrictions (Children need liberties as well as limitations.

* Being impossible to please.

* Being unforgiving.

* Making hasty or false accusations.

* Making unfeeling requirements.

Husbands, here are secrets regarding your wife. This is for men only. Women, please don’t listen. …..That’s a sure way to get their attention. Men, here are four things your wife wants, needs, and deserves.

TIME: Time is the currency of relationships. When a man neglects spending time with his wife or children it sends a message that they aren’t important. Providing time to be together says “You are important.”

TALK: This goes beyond shallow talk and involves expressing inner feelings.

TENDERNESS: Nothing feeds the soul of a woman like knowing she is cherished. Tender affection communicates that nourishment.

TOUCH: Nonsexual affectionate hugs, kisses, hand-holding is crucial.

B. THE ADULT FEMALE, that is, wife and or mother is addressed. The wife is to be “submissive.” This means when there is a decision or circumstance where one has to forego their authority it is the wife. Note these things:

1. Her submission is prompted and earned by the husband’s unselfish love.

2. The verb used is middle voice meaning her submission should be voluntary. Thus, it is clear the husband should not demand but earn it.

3. This is “well pleasing to the Lord.” OK, ladies it is your turn to listen and fellows you tune out. Hopefully most didn’t when the topic of what a wife wants was noted. Here are things that can help a husband have a sense of significance.

BE HIS CHEERLEADER Husbands want the approval of their wives. Complaints and criticism strike at the core of who he is. They are at times necessary but should be shared privately whereas praise is well given publically. It builds him up.

BE HIS CHAMPION Men thrive on the respect given them.

BE HIS COMPANION A man wants his wife to be his friend. If she refuses to share in the things that are important to him he soon gives up sharing with her.

BE HIS COMPLEMENT This includes helping him become the man God intends him to be. That does not mean she is to be his personal in-home preacher, however.

Husbands and wives hear this. Studies by the University of Washington psychologist, Dr. John Gottman, reveal the four major marriage destroyers. They are: CRITICISM, CONTEMPT, DEFENSIVENESS, STONEWALLING.

C. THE CHILD is to “obey” the parents. The Greek word implies a willingness to hear and carry out instruction. The verb is present tense meaning this should be done consistently. The expression “in all things” must be understood in the context that this is a Christian family and what is required is “pleasing to the Lord” (Vs. 20). Therefore, children if you have Christian parents who are fulfilling their responsibilities toward you, you are pleasing the Lord when you obey them. Consequently think of yourself as pleasing the Lord when obeying your parents.

II. A SENSE OF ADVENTURE

A family should be an adventurous group of explorers. Parents are in an ideal position to help their young develop an understanding and appreciation for their world and all that is in it. This sense of adventure should not only relate to the physical world but the world of values also.

When a parent holds a new born child they can look into that little face and realize, “I am holding a candidate for a personality.” You have the challenge of molding that personality. That child is a candidate for heaven and the parent has the blessed joy of helping the child grow in grace and knowledge. Studies show that children who are led to the Lord by their parents later have less doubt about their salvation than other children.

A child asked his parent two questions, “Dad, what is a Christian?” After a lengthy explanation, the child posed the second question, “Dad, have I ever seen a Christian?” Show the way. Be a pattern.

Do things together. Often dad comes in to leave his golf clubs and pick up his bowling ball. This leaves a child wondering, “Mom, who is that man that comes in here and kisses you and spanks me?”

A sense of belonging to a family is one of the best stabilizing factors for children. Those who feel they belong to a family know their conduct represents the entire family. What they do for good or bad reflects on the family. If they are loved in that family and love that family, they don’t want to do things that will reflect unfavorably on the family.

Years ago a Jewish philosopher named Martin Buber wrote a book on interpersonal relations. His thesis was there are two kinds of relations. One he called the “I and it” relationship. It is the relationship we have with things or inanimate objects such as cars, houses, and clothes. The second is an “I and thou” relationship. This relationship is one in which people become ends in themselves not means to someone else’s end. There is a breakdown when a “thou” is treated like an “it.” When this happens, we stop trying to motivate and start to manipulate.

Dr. Ernest Gordon, Dean of Chapel at Princeton University ended one of his books: “In the wild seas of violence that characterize our time we are in deepest need of islands of sanity, or harbors of humanity, in which the art of being human may be learned.”

Parents often speak of wanting to instill principles. There must be a gift of PRESENCE before there can be a gift of PRINCIPLES.

Lessons are more easily caught than taught.

Presence says, “I need you, we belong together.”

Presence says, “I care, we need to be together.”

III. A SHOW OF AFFECTION

We should relate to one another as the Father relates to us. That means we should – – –

A. Pay attention. Many family members are hardly aware of the other’s presence. Our Heavenly Father has time for us. The Scripture says, “…the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers…” (I Peter 3:12).

B. Be warm and supportive. God the Father demonstrates His love: “He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: He shall gather the lambs with his arms, and carry them in His bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young” (Isa. 40:11).

C. Inevitably there is the need for correction and discipline. This must always be done compassionately and under control. Our Heavenly Father disciplines: “My son despise not the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives” (Hebrews 12:5,6).

D. Be available to talk and give guidance when needed. Our Heavenly Father has said, “I will instruct…and…counsel you and watch over you” (Ps. 32:8).

Dare To Be Real

A person is who they are to another person. To one they may always be charming, To another they may always be a gritch. You may hear a person spoken of in a way you have never known them to be and think it to be a different person.

You are thought of only as what you represent yourself to be when you interface with a given person. Don’t be a play actor. In the time of Jesus an actor in a play might play more than one role. Actors wore masks. They might appear in one scene dressed as a certain character and wearing a particular mask. They might appear later in a different costume, and mask as another character. The word Jesus used for these mask wearers was ‘hypocrite.’ Consistency is a virtue.

Is there someone who bugs you, that is they irritate you leaving you thinking, I wish they were different. Don’t expect change. I read an article recently based around the idea of not trying to change such a person. The theme was “You can’t teach a cow to sing.” It is just not their nature. If you try you will irritate them and frustrate yourself. Acknowledge them as being who they are, and learn how to milk a cow.

Now back to you. Resolve:

1. To throw away all of your masks, and be consistent.

2. Determine to leave every person you are with having a positive image of you.

3. Aspire to let others see Jesus in you. After all, Christ in you is the hope of glory.

4. Live by this concept:

“Now by this we know that we know Him, if we keep His commandments.  He who says, ‘I know Him,’ and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him. He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked.”

You Are A Promise, A Possibility

God hasn’t asked you to be the best at anything. He just wants you to be your best at everything.

Don’t measure yourself by anybody else. You, the unique you, are your standard.

Resolve to be your best at everything.

Some will remember the lines from an old Gaither Vocal Band song, “I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a promise with a capital “p,” I can be anything God wants me to be.”

I have my life’s theme text posted several places around our house: “Whatsoever you do, do it heartily, as unto the Lord and not to men” Colossians 3:23.

That results in emotional equilibrium.  If you do what you do to an audience of one, and people criticize you, you don’t get depressed. You didn’t do it for them, you did it for Him.

If you do it to an audience of one and people brag on you and praise you, you don’t become egotistical. You didn’t do it for them, you did it for Him.

It is His approval, not man’s response that matters.

Aspire to be your best self always. Make this a moment of commitment to the Lord to always be your best.

“You are a promise with a capital “p.” You are a great big bundle of potentiality.”

The Sower and The Seed

Conduct has consequences. Throughout the Bible, sowing is used as a metaphor for one’s actions and reaping for the results of those actions. There is an old agricultural axiom supportive of this reality. It goes like this. You reap what you sow. You reap more than you sow. You reap later than you sow. Consider:

You reap what you sow. A farmer never expects corn when cotton is planted. Why should we sow bitterness and expect to harvest kindness, or hate and expect to harvest love?

Paul the Apostle writes: “Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sows, that shall he also reap.” He goes on to instruct us to “sow to please the spirit” rather than the flesh, indicating that a spiritual life will result in reward.

What crop are you going to sow today?

You reap more than you sow. A single grain of corn sewn can produce 800 or more kernels. 

People sometimes feel like this law of multiplication is unfair. They make a few bad decisions, and when life falls apart, they think, “Well, I know I haven’t always made the wisest decisions, but I don’t deserve all this.”

However, what they are experiencing is probably not punishment; it is harvest. The law of the harvest doesn’t operate according to exact proportions. Seeds don’t stay seeds.

Sowing doesn’t just produce more, it often produces better. 

You reap later than you sow. This disconnect of time often causes persons not to associate the actions with the result. Because of the nine months between impregnation and birth the Aborigines of Australia have never associate the two. 

Consider some of the things you are experiencing today, and to what past action they may relate. Likewise, consider today’s actions and to what result they may lead. In light of this, be kind to your tomorrow self.

The Family: Prep School for Life 3/19/00

Matthew 19:4-6

JESUS CHRIST said, “Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of His Father with the holy angels” (Mark 8:38).

The words of Jesus Christ regarding marriage, family life and parenting are so disregarded and disobeyed as to indicate people are ashamed of them. Derelict parents, disobedient children, and consequenting dissolved marriages have become commonplace.

Not since 1973 has there been produced a network series depicting a loving happy family. As a result of the breakdown in parent/child relationships and the breakup of husband/wife relationships, the secular world has rationalized as reasonable and the Christian world appropriately rushed to minister to those injured by divorce while little has been said or done to affirm God’s norm for the family.

For fear of injuring those victims of broken homes, we have neglected assertions related to maintaining wholesome family ties.

Nearly two decades ago the White House Council on the Family issued this statement: “America’s families are in trouble – trouble so deep and pervasive as to threaten the future of our nation.” At that conference, Paul Popenoe of the American Institute of Family Relations stated: “No society has ever survived after its family life deteriorated.”

If the family fails, then all the other institutions of society will fail. The family is the basic unit of society under-guiding all else. It is the prep school for life. Therein we learn to live in community. If you can’t do it there you are not likely to be able to do it properly anywhere.

The basis for family life is found in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helpmate for him.”

Somebody, on behalf of Jesus Christ, needs to declare firmly that the unholy union of two people living together in the pretending role of husband and wife out of wedlock is an affront to God regardless of how pleasant and popular it may appear to be.

Trial marriages are to be rejected as possible alternatives to God’s plan.

BIBLICAL BASIS FOR MARRIAGE

I. THERE MUST BE A CAUSE – MATTHEW 19:6

“Help mate” – Genesis 2:18 = “to go along side,” or “corresponding to,” or “a second self”. This “oneness” is multi-faceted. It is: physical, spiritual, social, intellectual, and financial.

Dr. David Mace: “There are no happy marriages only marriage partners who are immature.” The problem is not with the institution of marriage but with people.

For a cake to turn out well the right ingredients in proper proportions must be added. If sour instead of fresh milk is used, an unpleasant taste results. It is the cake, however, that gets the blame not the milk.

For a marriage to work both parties have to leave adolescence behind and never return to it. Neither can mentally remain single. Two persons become one in flesh and blood through natural procuration. That is, when they join God in creating a life with an eternal destiny.

In a family setting a child learns to be a citizen, worker, friend, neighbor, mate and parent. All of this is learned through the marvelous university called the family long before the child enters first grade.

There is a generation spoken of in the Bible with which youth should strive not to identify. “There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother. There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes” (Prov. 30: 11-12).

A ruby is a rare and valuable precious stone. There are, however, other stones which closely resemble it such as the garnet and spinel. Some of these stones look so much like a ruby that only experts can discern the difference. Geologist use a dichroscope to test the stones. A dichroscope makes one see double. Two images of the same stone are seen. A genuine ruby produces one image in orange- red and another in carmine-red. The garnet and spinel each show only one color.

Real mature love under the “dichroscope” of discernment reflects two aspects. These are both illustrated by a classroom experience. A teacher was trying to explain love to a young elementary class.

Dictionary definitions were not proper for their understanding. Pupils were asked to show the teacher what love meant. The ensuing long silence was broken by one six-year old who rose slowly from her seat. She approached the teacher and giving her a big hug said, “That’s love!” Assurance was given by the teacher that one form of love had been expressed, however, she asked for further insight as to what love meant. Soon that same little girl enlisted the help of others in putting the chairs in order and tidying up the room. She then exclaimed, “Love is helping someone too!” That childish wisdom develops two aspects of mature love. Love is not only saying…it is doing. As the real ruby emits two images of varying reds so mature love shows a willingness to cooperate in doing. Cooperating is love in action. It is mobile and meaningful maturity.

Cooperation involves doing things together. Many persons have a breakdown in cooperation, simply they are not together in the right setting often enough. Work schedules, social activities, civic affairs, church-relating events, and numerous other demands divide couples’ time. Select things that can be done together. Hobbies, recreational events, and other extra-affectionate activities that can be done together build a cooperative spirit. Plan schedules to allow for time together. Keep in touch with each other.

Cooperation inevitably requires someone to adjust to the advantage of the other. It is different from capitulation. Capitulation is surrender. Cooperation is support. Don’t keep score. Score keeping implies having an opponent. Instead both parties must be proponents of fair play. Score keepers have a tendency to be forgetful of other’s good plays. They are often ultra-sensitive to their own “scores.” Associated with keeping score of who has done more than the other is the idea of defeating another. After all, scores are not really kept. They are published and reported. Reporting on ones own virtues and victories seldom gains popularity. Conversely, one should be quick to acknowledge and compliment other’s cooperative ventures.

In cooperating keep in mind these “12 Things to Remember” as listed by Marshall Field:

The value of time
The success of perseverance
The pleasure of working
The dignity of simplicity
The worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The improvement of talent
The joy of originating

There are basically three reasons for marriage:
1. One is reproduction
2. Another is for sharing life “And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (Gen. 2:18).
3. The last is as a demonstration of divine love. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

Jesus left His heavenly Father and came to earth to identify with His bride, the church. This is a vital aspect of Christian marriage. As he left the Father to identify with a distinct loyalty so there is to be a parental separation from our parents when we marry. There is then a new center of allegiance and base of loyalty.

Demonstrations of love are often more meaningful than declarations of love. Neither should be neglected. Avowal and action are both assets.

II. THERE MUST BE A CLEAVING – MATTHEW 19:5

In marriage two are to “cleave” and “be one flesh”. To “cleave” means to cling, adhere to, or more literally be glued to. In Greek parlance, it means, “to be permanently bonded to.” One said of this text it means when you are married you are stuck with your partner. No, it means you are to stick to your partner.

Every marriage bond is under attack. Often these attacks are more subtle than direct. This multitude of varied assaults, no one of which is sufficient, of itself, to destroy the family, when combined have a devastating effect.

The thought of togetherness does not envision every family member sitting in front of their own television set, eating their own TV dinner, and waiting for their own phone ring. This bond must grow. Christian living is not an accomplished and completed stage, it is a growing process.

To help build this bond:

1. When problems arise attack them not one another
2. Put people before things
3. Give the other person the benefit of the doubt
4. Never argue or fight in public
5. Reserve time for each other
6. Be flexible and adjustable

If persons are going to maturely cooperate in a family framework, they cannot:

ALIENATE themselves from the other family members by doing only “what I feel like.” Disregard for others is devastating to harmony in a home.

AMPLIFY the inconsistencies and errors of others while minimizing their own. Always weight your vices and others virtues on the same scales. Romans 14: 19 says, “do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” In the word “edification” can be heard the word “edifice.” An edifice is a building. Edification means to build up one another.

AFFILIATE with individuals of organizations that demand time and attitudes contrary to what is needed to build good family life.

APPEASE carnal appetites by flirting with persons or interests other than those worthy of the devotion of a family person. Such flirtations are a prelude to frustration.

ACQUIESCE to the lowest denomination. Emphasis is thus put on common. Aspire to rise above that which one can do alone by achieving what two can do together.

The Greek word translated love in this passage is AGAPOA, which is the same word used in Romans 5:8 telling of God’s love for us. It is the noblest and strongest word for love. It speaks of an act of the will rather than emotion. This kind of God-love is sacrificial love. It is always active. It is expressive yet controlled. I Corinthians 9:25 instructs us, “And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things.” Hence, an athletic expression is used to speak of self- discipline.

No person can love any other person properly until, in love, they have correctly related to the Christ who loves them most. If one will not receive His great love and return it, that one is not likely to be able to love others fully.

III. THERE MUST BE A CONCLUSION

As students progress in school they move from one grade level to the next. Each is different. Couples upon entering marriage need to remember they are not static. Marriages and families change. This requires flexibility and the capacity to adjust.

A study in the Journal of Developmental Psychology reports on a ten year study of 500 Midwestern marriages. It revealed that the quality of the marriage began to dip almost immediately after the marriage. This change continues for the first three years of marriage before plateauing and remaining constant for the next three years. The next change encompasses years eight, nine, and ten. It is commonly called the “seven year itch.”

Most studies show couples go into marriage simply anticipating being happy. The old line “They lived happily ever after” doesn’t fly. If couples enter marriage realizing things will not remain static they are better equipped to adjust. This is true of any relationship.

For there to be a successful completion of the courses taught in life’s prep school, the family, there must be love. The New Testament word used to describe this type love is the kind our Heavenly Father shows us, AGAPE. It means unselfish, self-giving love. It is not an act of the emotions but an act of will. We must live for each other. Remember the word “united” can become the word “untied” simply by changing the position of the little letter “I.”

The Bible appeals for us to “encourage one another and build each other up” (I Thessalonians 5:11).

An image of today’s family is a pyramid. The family is spread like the base. They are scattered. For the family to be cohesive they must come together at the apex of the pyramid. Right up at the top of the pyramid two lines converse at a given point. Daily family members must merge at the apex. It is God’s throne where they meet and pray for each other. This is best done when they are geographically together. However, even if separated by miles there should be a mutually agreed upon time when they meet at the apex in prayer for one another.

For there to be a harmonious horizontal relationship with one another there must be a good vertical relationship with the Lord.